MarySues Guild
by LejindaryBunny
Summary: All the different Harry Potter Mary-Sue stereotypes have formed a club, the Mary-Sues Gulid of Hogwarts. Witness a meeting with such buisness as relations with their sister guild in Middle Earth and the induction of a new member with Conspicuously Green E


A/N: I have nothing against Mary-Sues. Some of my favorite stories are  
about them, I even have a few myself. But they're soooo easy to mock  
and this was just an idea that popped into my head while I was in the   
shower this morning. I think it's funny. I hope you will you.  
  
Mary-Sues Guild  
  
"I now call this meeting of the MSG to order," said the Silver Blonde  
girl with Blue Eyes and the Cold Grace of a Wildcat from her perch at   
the head of the bed. Long ago, her Author had been a big fan of the   
Baby-Sitter's Club.   
  
The Plain Looking, Conspicuously Green Eyed Newbie with Strands of  
Dark Hair Covering the Left Side of her Face shifted uncomfortably   
against the wall. MSG? Wasn't that bad for you?  
  
Her companion, a Girl who Obviously Did Not Have Red Hair but Looked   
Like She Ought To turned to her and answered the unspoken question as   
though she were a psychic. "It stands for Mary-Sue's Guild," she   
whispered to her in a voice not even a were-wolf could have heard.  
  
"I heard that," replied the Completely Normal Girl With Wolf-Ears,   
Fangs and Eyes that Flashed Like Moonlight. She was proud of her   
heritage, after all.  
  
"Of course you did, dear," said the eldest member of their group,  
an Elegant Woman in her Late Twenties with a Subtle Air of Authority   
who Anyone Could Tell was a Professor.   
  
"Ehem," coughed Silver Blonde, "Come to order or my dad will here of   
this."  
  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," snorted the Black Haired Girl who Hated Life and   
Just Happened to Have Perfect Teeth Without Effort. "Tell us something   
we don't know, Wyvern."  
  
The Girl with Very Large Glasses for Aesthetic Reasons who Bore No   
Resemblance to Hermione at All and Was Much Prettier Anyway, looked up.  
"A Wyvern is a small type of dragon," she offered in answer.  
  
Perfect Teeth scowled. "Who asked you?" she snapped.  
  
Someone strolled in the door, forestalling an argument. She was Very  
Tall and Smelled of an Apothecary in a Pretty Sort of Way. "Sorry I'm  
late," she smiled, running a hand through her Long, Snow White Hair   
which was So Beautiful it Would Take an Entire Paragraph to Describe.  
  
Wyvern sighed. "Just sit down." She looked around the room with a   
gaze that had either too many adjectives or none at all. "Can we start  
the meeting now, or would you like to fight some more?" She glared at  
Perfect Teeth in a cool manner that brooked no argument.  
  
But the Black Haired Girl was too cool to be cowed. She stood   
furiously, robes twirling dramatically. "Yeah I wanna fight!"  
  
Smelled of an Apothecary looked at her in a Sad and Disappointed sort  
of way, and the Girl who Hated life sighed and sat back down grumbling.  
  
"Okay," the Silver Blonde grinned. "Is there any new business?"  
  
Elegant Woman in her Late Twenties raised her hand, Wyvern nodded at  
her. "Yes?"  
  
The Woman's Air of Authority grew Stronger. "As you know I am the   
official liaison to the Middle Earth branch of the MSG."  
  
The group nodded.  
  
"Arolas the Beautiful and Intelligent Elven Half-Hobbit who Can   
Resist the Pull of the Ring and Keeps Dieing for Frodo and Being Reborn,  
and Meg the Girl Who Just Sort of Appeared One Day But Is Naturally   
Talented with a Sword Anyway and can Also Resist the Pull of the Ring,   
the leaders of the branch, want to convey their most respectful   
apologies, but 'must ask'," she did the air quotes, "that we return   
their Nazgul." The Woman frowned deeply.  
  
The Black Haired Girl who Hated Life blinked. "What in the name of   
the Authoress is a Nazgul?"  
  
The Newbie looked up, also wondering what the things were. She looked  
over at her Not Red Haired companion, who shrugged.  
  
The Girl who Didn't Look Like Hermione raised her hand and began   
speaking before she was called on. "Nazgul, also referred to as Black   
Riders. Wraiths once kings, who hunt the ring for the Dark Lord Sauron."  
She adjusted her glasses. "There are those who think that Dementors   
bear a copy right infringing resemblance to them, a fact which Tolkien  
fan purists can become quite irate over."  
  
"Feh," Black Haired spat, "how can they snark about copyright when  
they're Mary-Sues? It's specifically stated in the handbook that an  
idea, once it is published becomes public property of the Authoress'  
and their characters."  
  
There was a chorus of nods and several glares at the Woman with the  
Air of Authority.   
  
White Haired girl however, smiled. "She was just conveying the   
message, girls. It's not the Professor's fault."  
  
The Guild had no choice but to agree with the girl's calming aspect.  
  
"Alright then, any other business?" Wyvern asked, looking up.  
  
The Green Eyed Girl's companion raised her hand.  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I, I have a new member to introduce," the Blatantly Not Red Headed   
girl stuttered nervously, gesturing to the Newbie.  
  
"Ah, of course." The Silver Blonde nodded, instinctively not quite  
liking the new comer. "And?" Wyvern crossed her arms, "What makes you   
so sure you're a Mary-Sue?"  
  
That was fine because she instinctively didn't like her either.  
  
"Oh, I'm a Mary-Sue alright," she brushed aside the Strands of Dark   
Hair Covering the Left Side of her Face to reveal a rain drop shaped   
scar beneath her Conspicuously Green Eye. "They call me," she stood up   
dramatically, "Insert-authors-name-here Potter."  
  
The room gasped collectively.  
  
"You mean the Girl who Also Lived?" the Tall white haired girl   
squeaked, impressed.  
  
The Girl with Not Red Hair grinned. "That's right."  
  
Wyvern however, didn't seem particularly worshipful of the newbie.  
"Well then, why don't you tell us about yourself."  
  
"I'm Harry's long lost twin sister. Through an odd series of   
co-incidences even the Authoress can't fully explain, I too escaped  
with only a scar. I was adopted by a muggle family suspiciously like my   
Author's where I lived in misery, dreaming that someday I could escape  
my dreary existence. Years past, I turned eleven and no one noticed.  
More years past. Then, one day when I was fourteen I finally got a   
letter from Hogwarts. Again, even the Author can't adequately explain  
how it got lost in the mail, but it probably has something to do with my  
scar.) It's my destiny to be paired with either Ron or Draco and save my  
brother and the rest of the world from the terror that is Voldemort."  
  
Nobody in the room winced at the name, since none of them were timid  
and impressionable or followed the normal and rational conventions of  
the Wizarding society.  
  
"I'll probably die tragically in the process," she shrugged continuing,  
"But I'll somehow manage to escape the fact that no magic can bring   
back the dead and be resurrected by someone's love for me."  
  
Wyvern scowled. The story sounded suspiciously like her own, except  
that she. the long lost Malfoy, was paired with Harry, and would die   
giving HIM the strength to defeat Voldemort, and possibly redeem her   
twin brother Draco in the process. She bit her lip. "Alright fine.   
We'll take a vote. All in favor of admitting Insert-author's-name-here  
Potter into the Mary-Sue's Guild raise your hand."   
  
The Tall Girl who Smelled of an Apothecary in a Pretty Sort of Way and   
had Snow White Hair that was So Beautiful it Would Take an Entire   
Paragraph to Describe was the first to raise her hand, followed by the   
Perfectly Normal Girl with Wolf-Ears Fangs and Eyes that Flashed like   
Moonlight, the Elegant Woman with a Subtle Air of Authority and finally,  
grudgingly, the Black Haired Girl who Hated Life and Just Happened to   
Have Perfect Teeth.  
  
The Girl who Obviously Did Not Have Red Hair but Looked Like She   
Ought To was of course exempt from the vote as she was the Green Eyed  
Girl's sponsor.  
  
The Silver Blonde Girl with Blue Eyes and the Cold Grace of a Wildcat  
surveyed the room with distaste, but refused to let the situation phase  
her. "Fine. Let it be known that Insert-author's-name-here Potter is   
henceforth an official member of the Mary-Sue's Guild."  
  
***  
  
Well, there ya have it. What say, should I write another chapter? And  
please remember, a review is worth a thousand, um, somethings. Go see   
my fanart at http://www.mediaminer.org/fanart/agal.php?id=61483 


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